Seduction
Okay, so how does one go about establishing a more touchy relationship with one's spouse when it hasn't existed for a long long time? Literally we don't touch one another except for the occasional hug goodbye (not a very sensual hug believe me) when he's about to leave on a business trip.
How do you start touching again without it being interpreted as a demand or invasion of privacy or open oneself up for a rebuff? I need some tips on "accidental" touching. Something affectionate maybe. Something that is supportive and nice rather than overtly sexual.
I think I need to start this improvement verbally/emotionally first, maybe by doing more together and being more enthusiastic whenever he suggests anything. But I need to figure out how to take it further as well.
How do you start touching again without it being interpreted as a demand or invasion of privacy or open oneself up for a rebuff? I need some tips on "accidental" touching. Something affectionate maybe. Something that is supportive and nice rather than overtly sexual.
I think I need to start this improvement verbally/emotionally first, maybe by doing more together and being more enthusiastic whenever he suggests anything. But I need to figure out how to take it further as well.
14 Comments:
I leaned on/against his arm in the movie and then took his hand on the way out. He didn't really react one way or the other about it but hey, its a start.
He never wears a tie but he's sort of into his shoes. He's a much bigger fashion plate than I am, that's for sure.
Eye contact is a good suggestion. You've made a good start already with the hand-holding. Other subtle things you could do, touch him when you're talking to him. Just reach out and touch his arm. Cuddle with him while you're in bed, spoon. Even if you do this while he's sleeping, or while you pretend to be sleeping, it's reaching out. It could help.
I'm glad you've decided to make a go of this. I don't think it's wrong or bad for you to have your friend to confide in either, for the record. I hope that you'll find some of the answers you're seeking.
Now the spoon thing will be tough. We have a huge bed and he stays up late so I'm sound asleep by the time he gets to bed because I get up really early for work. But I can do the other stuff. I don't really care whether the sex is reinitiated so much as making the whole relationship more affectionate and fun.
I just noticed you are back to exploring. I'm glad you are. I learn so much from you in your comments to my journal and I'm going to really enjoy going back and "seeing" you. No comments for now, because I need to read more carefully first.
Prom, I think you're off to a great start. Spooning can happen, too, if you wake up at all in the middle of the night or for a few minutes right before you get up - just scootch over to his side of the bed. I'm glad you're taking a shot at this.
I'm also glad that you're getting some support from your friend. Online friends can give support, but only to a certain level...and he's a guy, so of course that's different too ;)
(((hugs)))
Lisa
Well- gee. I was just looking through the member list and saw you had a www link. I thought it would be an orchid website so I was surprised when I saw this. Anyway, I guess you would not have put the link up if you did not mind others popping in.
I have not read everything here so I might be way off, but why can't you just tell him what you would like? Maybe you have already tried...I don't know. I think it is hard to change a pattern that has gone on for years. That is where I have problems too. It is too easy to fall into that pattern over and over again. Change can come hard. If you can't talk about it then make small changes like you are doing and change the pattern.
I think I can't talk about it with him because it would be like revealing something that I don't think he wants to examine. I know why I wasn't interested in a physical relationship and so does he. I think, maybe wrongly, that it is much more unusual for a man to not be interested. I don't think he's ever had a "normal" physical relationship. To open this up, I think I need to be ready to leave the relationship Ava. I don't want to push it to that point.
Prom, it may less common for a man to lose interest in sex, but my sister is going through the same thing. For all that anyone sees, he's a great guy and most consider their marriage to be good. But, she is truly miserable. She loves him, they have a daughter together, but she needs to feel loved, seen, attractive and appreciated, too. Recently, she developed an inappropriate attachment to someone she worked with professionally. She nipped it in the bud before it got too far out of hand, but it was an emotionally wrenching time for her. You can only deny these needs so long until they either get fulfilled within your marriage, or you start looking outside of it. I, on the other hand, was the "asexual" partner in my marriage, and I can see it from the other side, too. I immediately put my guard up when touched because I knew if I gave him any encouragement at all, he'd be all over it. As big of a jerk as he was, I know that this was hard for him and I do accept part of the blame for his affairs. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not sure that going outside for such fulfillment is going to be a long term solution. It will eat at you, and devastating to the other person. You probably need to get to the place where you say, "this is a problem for me, and if we are going to stay together, we need to address it honestly." You strike me as a very direct and honest person, so I'm not sure I understand why you can't bring up the subject with him. What are you afraid of?
Bottom line L. I'm afraid to embarrass him for something he can't help. It isn't like he lost interest, I'm not sure he ever had any.
I see what you are saying....and you are so very compassionate for not wanting to embarrass him. If I'm hearing you right, in a way you feel like you knew this going in so you can't exactly change the rules now? Is that it?
Right, knew them and they fit my desires at the time. I'm the one here that's changed so its my problem, not his.
Well, that makes perfect sense and I understand better now. However, people in relationships always grow and change and the relationship has to evolve with it or die. I get the feeling you don't believe he would be willing or able to change. And it is true, it might be too much to expect someone to change who they are by nature, even with the strong motivation of saving a relationship that they value. Maybe you can gently find ways to get more from your relationship to meet some of those needs met. I guess your decision will then be, will it be enough? I admire you for trying so hard.
You gave me a word of advice once that I think bears repeating here. You said, "Assuming you know how he feels is a problem. You won't actually know what he's feeling until the two of you discuss it openly."
I know you may not be ready to do that yet, but don't make assumptions either. Try your subtle approaches at intimacy. See what happens. The worrying about it is often the worst part of it.
I hear both of you guys and I think we are mostly on the same page here. I"m going to try to get us closer with no demands, just by being more affectionate myself, more appreciative etc. Than maybe it will make it easier to talk about more if that turns out to be necessary.
The other stuff, an intimate friend, I see as something that can help me do that by releiving some of my own needs. Unlike some people, I don't think it will actually bother me. I'm a pretty pragmatic person. I'm more into what works than what is moral or maybe what I mean is that my morality is to try to not hurt others. What he doesn't know won't hurt him unless it makes me do something that would make me leave the relationship. I haven't set up anything like that and don't intend to. If I leave, it will be on my own, not for someone else.
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